Funnies For A Dark January Day

 

·         Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.  Too many will come out pregnant.

·         I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune. Now I turn it like I’m cracking a safe.

·         I need to practice social-distancing from the refrigerator.

·         Still haven’t decided where to go for Easter…the living room or the bedroom.

·         Every few days try on your jeans just to make sure they still fit. Pajamas will have you believe that all is well in the kingdom.

·         Home schooling is going well. Two students suspended for fighting and one teacher fired for drinking on the job.

·         I don’t think anyone expected that when we changed the clocks we’d go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone.

·         This morning I saw a neighbor talking to her cat. It was obvious she thought her cat understood her. I came into my house, told my dog and we laughed about it a lot.

·         So, after the quarantine, will the producers of My 600 Pound Life just find me or do I find them?

·         Quarantine Day 5: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.

·         My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee it cleans the toilet.

·         I’m so excited…. It’s time to take out the garbage. What should I wear?

·         I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to Puerto Backyarda. I’m getting tired of Los Livingroom.

·         Classified Ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun.

·         Will the baby boom of early 2021 be known as Children of the Quarn?

·         Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under.